Key takeaways
- DEAR MAN is a seven-part script, Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate, from the interpersonal effectiveness module of Marsha Linehan's dialectical behavior therapy skills training.
- The first four letters build your case: the facts, your feelings, the request, and the reason. The last three protect how you hold up while you say it.
- Writing every line out beforehand is the method: it separates what happened, how you feel, and what you want, so they do not tangle together out loud.
- Below are three full worked scripts, a landlord repair request, a friend who keeps canceling plans, and a work deadline negotiation, plus a fill-in-the-blank line for each letter.
- DEAR MAN borrows one DBT skill for one hard but safe conversation. It does not replace a DBT skills group or a therapist, and it is not built for anything physically unsafe.
Most hard conversations do not fall apart in the moment. They fall apart an hour earlier, rehearsing what to say until it comes out as an accusation or a full apology for having a request at all. DEAR MAN is built for that hour: a script you write out first, so what you say has already been thought through, not assembled live under pressure.
What is the DEAR MAN skill, and where does it come from?
DEAR MAN is a seven-part script, Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate, for planning a request or a boundary before you say it out loud, and it comes from psychologist Marsha Linehan's dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills training, specifically the interpersonal effectiveness module. That module is the part of DBT built around asking for what you need without steamrolling the other person or folding under pushback. For the full picture of all eight DBT skills The Epic Journal draws on, including Wise Mind and TIPP, see our guide to DBT journal prompts.
What do the seven DEAR MAN letters mean, at a glance?
The seven letters are Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate: the first four build your case, the last three carry you through saying it. The table is the fast version. A deeper breakdown and three worked scripts follow below.
| Letter | What it means | Fill-in-the-blank line |
|---|---|---|
| D. Describe | State the facts only, nothing anyone in the room would dispute. | "When ___ happened, here is what I saw." |
| E. Express | Say how you feel about it, using "I," not "you." | "I feel ___ about that." |
| A. Assert | Ask directly for what you want, or say no directly. | "I want / need ___." |
| R. Reinforce | Give a real reason it is worth agreeing to. | "If we do this, ___." |
| M. Mindful | Stay on your one point, not every detour. | "The one thing I am asking about: ___." |
| A. Appear confident | Steady voice and posture, no over-apologizing. | "Said plainly, no qualifiers: ___." |
| N. Negotiate | Offer or ask for an alternative if the answer is no. | "If not that, what would work? Or: ___." |
Why does DEAR MAN go in this exact order?
Because the first four letters and the last three do two different jobs. DEAR, Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, builds your case: what happened, how you feel, what you want, and why it is worth agreeing to. MAN, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate, is about holding your ground once the conversation is live and the other person reacts unpredictably. Describe comes first because a shared fact keeps the other person from getting defensive before you have said what you want. Express comes second so your feelings read as a reaction to something real, not the whole argument. Assert comes third, once you have earned the context for a direct ask. Reinforce comes right after, while the ask is fresh, so there is a reason to say yes, not just to comply. The last three exist because a real conversation keeps going after you have said your piece: Mindful keeps you on topic, Appear confident keeps your ask from sounding optional, and Negotiate only works once the first two have held, since there is nothing real to trade until the ask itself has landed.
What does Describe mean in DEAR MAN?
Describe means stating the facts only, the plain version of events both people would agree happened, no motives, no "you always." The common mistake is opening with a verdict disguised as a fact, "you never listen" instead of "the report was due Friday and I got it Tuesday," which puts the other person on the defense before you have said what you actually want. Template: "When ___ happened, here is what I saw."
What does Express mean in DEAR MAN?
Express means saying how you feel in one clear line, "I feel," not "you made me feel." This is the one place your emotional read belongs, labeled as yours, not disguised as fact. The common mistake runs both ways: skipping it and jumping straight to the ask, so the other person has no idea why this matters, or turning it into everything you have felt for months. Template: "I feel ___ about that."
What does Assert mean in DEAR MAN?
Assert means saying plainly what you want or do not want, not hinting and hoping the other person connects the dots. An actual sentence: "I want," "I need," or "I am not willing to." The common mistake is softening it into a suggestion, "it would be nice if maybe," which makes the request sound optional. Template: "I want / need ___."
What does Reinforce mean in DEAR MAN?
Reinforce means telling the other person what is in it for them if they go along with the request, a real reason, not a threat. The common mistake is skipping this because the ask feels obviously fair to you, or flipping it into a warning, "or I am done dealing with this." Template: "If we do this, ___."
What does Mindful mean in DEAR MAN?
Mindful means staying on the one thing you are asking about, even when the conversation wanders. The common move a conversation makes here is a detour: the other person raises something unrelated or an old grievance, and it is easy to follow them there and end up defending your whole history instead of the one request. DBT's fix is repeating your point calmly, in close to the same words. Template: "The one thing I am asking about: ___."
What does Appear confident mean in DEAR MAN?
Appear confident means a steady voice and posture while you say your piece, whether or not you feel steady inside. The common mistake is undercutting your own line with qualifiers, "this is probably dumb, but," which quietly tells the other person the request is optional. You do not have to feel confident, you have to say the sentence once, without the apology stapled to the front. Template: "Said plainly, no qualifiers: ___."
What does Negotiate mean in DEAR MAN?
Negotiate means offering or asking for an alternative if the first answer is no, instead of treating the conversation as pass or fail. The common mistake is giving in completely at the first sign of resistance, which cancels the Assert step, or refusing to move on anything at all. A useful move is turning the question back: what would actually work for them? Template: "If not that, what would work? Or: ___."
What does a full DEAR MAN script look like in practice?
A full script is short, one clause per letter, jotted down, not a polished speech. Here are three, across three everyday situations, none of them the business-partner example from the main DBT journal prompts page.
Worked example, asking a landlord to fix a heater that has been out two weeks. Describe: the heater died on the 3rd, I emailed the 4th and the 9th, no repair yet. Express: anxious about the cold nights and about being ignored. Assert: I need a repair scheduled this week, or a space heater until it is fixed. Reinforce: a fast fix keeps this simple for both of us. Mindful: if this turns to the rent, back to just the heat. Appear confident: flat, factual voice. Negotiate: if not this week, the earliest date, in writing?
Worked example, telling a friend that last-minute cancellations need to stop. Describe: the last four times we made plans, you canceled same-day, three after I had already left the house. Express: I feel unimportant when it happens. Assert: I want a day's notice if you need to cancel, not a same-day text. Reinforce: I would rather keep making plans with you than quietly stop asking. Mindful: your being busy is real, still not what I am asking. Appear confident: say it once, plainly, not as a joke. Negotiate: if a full day is hard some weeks, what would work?
Worked example, asking a manager to move a deadline after the project's scope grew. Describe: the June brief had three deliverables, this week's version has six, the date has not moved. Express: anxious about shipping this rushed, and frustrated the date never moved when the scope did. Assert: I am asking for two more weeks, or for three deliverables to move to a second phase. Reinforce: either way, what ships is something we can stand behind. Mindful: if this turns to why I did not flag it sooner, back to the date. Appear confident: state it as a plan, not a complaint. Negotiate: which matters more, the date or the scope, because I can hold one, not both.
The same seven lines work for a roommate, a partner asking for a weekend alone, or an adult child asking a parent to call before dropping by. The situation changes. The order does not.
How does writing the script out first actually help, compared to winging it?
Writing forces you to separate three things that blur together when you improvise: what happened, how you feel, and what you actually want. Say it with no draft, and the three tend to arrive in the same breath, a tangle of fact, feeling, and half-stated ask. This is where a pen and paper practice earns its keep: draft the seven lines the evening before, read them back the next morning, and walk in with the facts, the feeling, and the ask already sorted. It is the same principle behind The Epic Journal's prompts more broadly, informed by techniques like this one: reflection on the page, followed by one concrete next step, not a closed loop.
Is DEAR MAN the right tool for every hard conversation?
No, and it is worth being direct about where it stops. DEAR MAN is built for a hard but safe conversation: a landlord, a coworker, a friend, a family member you disagree with, someone whose reaction you might dread but do not fear. It borrows one named skill from DBT's interpersonal effectiveness module. Writing it out is a planning exercise, not a session with a therapist, and not a substitute for a full DBT skills group, which a notebook cannot replicate. It is not built for anything physically unsafe, and that calls for real-world support, not a script. Save DEAR MAN for conversations that are hard because they are honest, not the ones that are dangerous.
Do you literally read the DEAR MAN script out loud during the conversation?
Not usually. The writing happens beforehand, on paper, so you walk in knowing your facts, your feeling, your ask, and your reason, in that order. Most people do not read from the page in the actual conversation, they use the writing to get clear beforehand, then speak from that clarity in their own words. For something especially high stakes, there is nothing wrong with keeping the page nearby as a reference.
Do you have to use all seven letters every time, even for something small?
For a low-stakes ask, you can move through the seven letters quickly in your head instead of on paper. The value of writing out all seven grows with how much is at stake or how likely the conversation is to go sideways. A quick request to a coworker might take thirty seconds to think through. A conversation you have been dreading is exactly the case where writing out each line first is worth the extra few minutes.
Does writing a DEAR MAN script replace a DBT skills group or working with a therapist?
No. DEAR MAN is one named skill inside dialectical behavior therapy's interpersonal effectiveness module. A full DBT skills group is a structured clinical program, weekly group training, individual therapy, phone coaching, and a therapist consultation team, none of which a notebook can reproduce. Writing out a script borrows the structure of this one skill. If you are navigating something bigger than a single hard conversation, use this alongside professional support, not instead of it.
Does DEAR MAN only work when you can plan ahead, or can it help in a conversation that catches you off guard?
It works best when you can plan ahead, and most hard conversations give you at least a little warning first. When something comes up with no notice at all, buying a few minutes is itself a DEAR MAN move: "let me think about this and get back to you" is an Assert with a Negotiate built in. Use that pause to write the fuller script, then finish the conversation once your facts, feeling, and ask are actually sorted. The seven letters also get easier to hold in your head with no notebook at all, once you have used them on paper a few times for the easier conversations first.
What if the other person does not respond the way I planned for?
That is normal, and it is exactly why Negotiate is the last letter instead of Assert being the final word. DEAR MAN scripts your side of the conversation, not theirs. Writing it out means you have already decided your facts, your feeling, your ask, and how much room you have to negotiate before you are in the moment, so an unexpected reaction does not leave you improvising from scratch. It does not guarantee a particular outcome. It gives you a steadier starting point.